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Hu's On First

By James Sherman

Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this soon after Hu Jintao was named chief of China's Communist Party.

Scene: The Oval Office, White House

Players: George W. Bush, President of the US; Condoleezza Rice, National Security Adviser

George Bush (President of the U.S.): Condi! Nice to see you. What s happening?

Condoleeza Rice (Foreign Advisor): Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That s what I want to know.

Condi: That s what I m telling you.

George: That s what I m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow s name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya asking me for?

Condi: I m telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I m asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That s the man s name.

George: That s who s name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes , sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That s correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes , sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No , sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes , sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?

George: No , thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don t want Kofi?

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes , sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China!?

Condi: Yes , sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone!

(Condi picks up the phone)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?